Restlessness

I'm waiting for How To Make It In America to load (awesome show, please watch it) when going through Tumblr my best friend posts a little something that goes sin a little. Now, I've always been a good girl--I've wanted to do so many bad things but I just don't do them because I'm always thinking of the repercussions, and also cause I was raised to avoid shit like that. But my friend is right--"Sometimes losing yourself is the only way to find yourself." 


I guess I could also owe this thought to the time I am thinking it at, or to the countless times wherein I think back on my life (where I've been, what I've done, who I've been with), think about my life now and what I want my life to be (where I want to go, what I want to do, who I want to be with). Sometimes I really just wanna kick myself in my imaginary bag a' balls and say "Just fuckin' do it." But then I think about all the things that could go wrong and that just instantly cripples me and puts me in a solitary prison where I've no rescue at all. I've no rescue at all simply because I've made my own sentence! Does it show that I overthink? Overthinking kills, I tell you. Striking a balance between not giving a shit and overthinking is the key to getting anything done. Perhaps that is my problem. I haven't found that balance yet. On one end (not giving a shit), I could really let myself go and risk everything I've let my parents and other people I care for trust me with. On the other end, I could incessantly think about every detail and overanalyze them such that I singlehandedly deny myself any kind of life worth living. This whole striking a balance thing, it's a real bitch. It takes forever to get right and along the way, you fuck up. But it's a bitch that deserves time and allows for a couple of sidetracks and misdemeanors. 


Going back to being a good girl, I think that I just generalize myself as one. Lately though I've been feeling like I should do something bad, bad like, "Oh my God, Bea really did that?" kind of bad. I guess I wanna do something that's totally not like me, just to see if it really is unlike me, or is actually more like me. 


I'll write about something bad when it happens. For now I think How To Make... has already fully loaded.